Christmas at the Mitchells aka Pumpkin Stew

Twas the morning of Christmas, and all through the house,
The alarm was screaming, cause the power was out.

I jumped from my bed, to see what’s up with that.
I naturally assumed, it was a terrorist attack.

It was five a.m.; I couldn’t see a single sight.
The only sign of life, was my tiny cell phone light.

I used it to check, my gifts under the tree.
Naturally my first thought, was all about me.

I ripped off the paper, with all my might.
It didn’t occur to me, to use a flashlight.

It was so dark, I was only wasting my time.
I went back to bed, to the sound of my chimes.

Back up at eight, to make sweet potato souffle.
I offered to make it, the sugar free way.

My idea to replace eggs, with pumpkin in a can.
Turned out to be, not such a smart plan.

Canned pumpkin has sugar, and my eggs are out of date.
But I’d opened the pumpkin can, so now it’s too late.

I used the old eggs, and mixed the potato paste
But I’ll use that pumpkin too, it won’t go to waste.

With a baking dish was too big, over twice the size.
The mixture was thin, with much room to rise.

The topping looked wrong, is all I can say,
But that’s alright, it only covered halfway.

With the dish in the oven, I was finally home free.
Then the power went off,  You must be kidding me!

I grabbed the pumpkin, and started a new mix.
With no evaporated milk, coffee creamer was my fix.

A couple old eggs, were mixed in the brew.
Without a pie crust, I’ll call it pumpkin stew.

The pumpkin was too much, required more than one pan.
Maybe I should have simply thrown out the whole can.

Two more pans full, won’t fit in the oven now.
But I can make it work, some way, some how.

I cocked one gently, on it’s side for the bake.
I’ll finish this job now, for goodness sake.

The power returned, just in the nick of time.
There’s just one more line, to my Christmas rhyme.

I’m off to my family, with dishes in tow.
I’ll keep the egg history, on the down low.

It Could Be Worse

I woke up in a king size bed with a tall man from Louisiana. But it could be worse. I was speaking at a Christian creative arts conference in Nashville, TN and the motel paired me and Ferrel Marr, aka Puppet Man, in a room with only one bed. How Cajun.

When we checked out and went to our cars Ferrel said, “Well they got me last night.” At the same moment I noticed a large earring on the ground beside my car. He continued to explain that his car had been burglarized. I was shocked until I noticed my door open as well. “They got me too!” I said. But it could be worse.

The pickins’ were slim in his car, only a couple puppets and a petrified alligator head. I am not making this up! Thankfully only his door lock was destroyed. In my car they got the stereo, GPS, and my moneybag from the conference with $400 cash. Guess I won’t leave that in the car again. They even took the quarters off my dash. And they grabbed one more thing, a disposable toothbrush. But it could be worse.

They left behind my trademark pink jacket. There is just no accounting for taste. They also skipped a books-a-million gift card. Since I watch CSI I put all the clues together. I determined the thief is an illiterate pirate missing one earring with fresh breath. As I was describing all this to the extremely nice Officer Carter I think he wanted to laugh about the “fresh breath” line. However, he maintained control and very kindly said it could be worse.

After the report was filed, Ferrel and I found a bank so I could get some cash. However, the bank was closed and neither of us knew how to use an ATM. We were standing in front of the machine with Ferrel going through his wallet to loan me money. It must have looked like I was robbing him. Well, that’s what Officer Jones said when he pulled up with his siren on. But it could be worse.

The good news is that I can whistle in place of the radio, the conference took up a collection and replaced my stolen $400 and I picked up the pirate’s lost earring. The bad news is without the GPS it took me 6 hours to find my way home. But it could be worse.

Before we headed home Ferrel gave me the petrified alligator head. Every time I look at it I’m reminded of how incredibly blessed I am. As the events unfolded, yes every detail is true, Ferrel and I had a choice to make: laugh or whine. We chose to laugh. We were both safe and everything can be replaced. It could be worse. I could be the alligator!

Barry Mitchell

Disney Half Marathon Adventure

The story of Barry and Tim’s Excellent Disney half-marathon adventure aka two guys having a mid-life crisis.

They arrived at the Disney motel. Tim booked low budget on this one because Barry is such a tight-wad. At the check in desk Tim whooped out his travel agent badge, another one of his ponzi schemes, and asked for a room upgrade. The lady said, “You’re already in a preferred room.” Barry said, “What if we preferred a better one?” She said, “This IS a VALUE RESORT.” Tim said, “That’s two words that just don’t go together.” Barry asked, “What is a preferred room?” She said, “It’s the one we preferred to put you in.” She had a sense of humor after all.

The next day the boys go to pick up their runner’s packets and T-shirts. Even if they don’t finish the race they get to keep the $100 T-shirt.

Race day began at 2:30 am with an alarm. Bright eyed and bushy tailed the boys headed for the bus to the Epcot starting line. Ok, they got on the bus but weren’t too bushy tailed. The race began at 6:00 am so there was a great deal of time to stand in line at one of the thousands of port-a-pottys. They also watched some guy named Nigel sing 80’s music off key, who had really big hair.

As the starting time neared and the port-a-potty lines grew longer, they started their 1.5 mile trek to the starting line. Guess it was too much to ask for the bus driver to let them out there. Disney had turned the race start into a celebration with music videos, trivia and Mickey Mouse. With thoughts of not finishing, under training and over eating, they turned it into an anxiety attack. Disney announced that along the race there would be several stations with water and sports drinks. Mile 3 was water, mile 8 was food, and mile 12 a morphine drip.

Barry and Tim ran through the Magic Kingdom, Epcot and the Disney sewage treatment facility. It turned out they had made a wrong turn at the Dumbo ride. Once they were back on course, things went well until half way through mile 10 when Tim’s cramps started and Barry’s bladder got full. That’s what you’d call ‘a situation.’ Tim stretched while Barry found a port –a-potty and then the adventure continued, but at a slower pace.

Finally, the end was in sight. For the last half mile the streets were lined with people with bells and whistles cheering everyone on. Disney even had a head cheerleader on a loud speaker with way too much energy. Barry wanted to smack him but couldn’t find him. Tim and Barry crossed the finish line in 3 hours 8 minutes 22 seconds, side by side with their arms raised. Everyone thought they were acting victorious. They were actually reaching out for a paramedic! A few steps past the finish line, Disney gave everyone a bottle of water and wrapped them in a silver plastic blanket which was quite comfy - NOT! Then the boys saw them . . . their coveted Donald Duck gold medals. As they limped up to receive their metals it was an emotional moment. As they placed the metal around Tim’s neck a tear formed in his eye. It would have happened to Barry too but all the moisture had left his body.

There were 27,000 runners at Disney and Tim and Barry finished third . . . from the end!

CreativityAtSea.com Cruise 2008

When the 20 foot wide Texas state flag rolled out into view I knew it was going to be a good cruise! It is said that everything is bigger in Texas. Ego may be one of those things. The one thing I’ve noticed about Texas is the big volume of stunningly beautiful women. This boat was full of them. As I said before, it’s going to be a good cruise.

Our CreativityAtSea.com 2008 cruise left from Houston, TX and a predominant number of cruisers were from TX. Carnival cruise line knew what they were doing when they ended one of the evening shows with “God Bless Texas” instead of the standard American flag closing. Those Texans were tore out of the frame.

Many of our own cruisers went a little nuts with joy when we swam with the dolphins in Cozemel, Mexico. This was the port excursion I couldn’t wait to do. It was an incredible adventure to be pulled through the water by these gentle creatures. The big fish fry at the conclusion was also a big treat. Calm down, I’m just kidding on that one. We’re very health conscious, the fish was baked.

The dolphin swim was also a powerful lesson in emotion selling. It can cost as much as $150 per person for this experience only to find out you won’t need your camera. They shoot still and video shots of every minute. When finished they escort you into a video viewing room to see the professionally edited video from just minutes before. The emotions are so high and the smiles so wide that it wouldn’t matter what the video sells for, the answer will be SOLD! I had one thought as I paid over 100 American dollars for the DVD and prints, “It’s like shooting fish in a barrel.”

There was more to the cruise than great fun in the ports. The conference was a huge success as well. Bev Bergeron, legend of magic and comedy creativity, was our special guest. Bev’s credits require a book to cover them all so I’ll just say that if you’ve ever seen a magic show you probably saw something that Bev had a hand in creating. It was a humbling honor to spend the week with him. Tim and I were doubly honored to have dinner with Bev and his lovely wife Al each night and hear their stories.

Julian Franklin, guru of kidshow marketing, knocked it out of the park with his session on brainstorming. This guy’s a genius, enough said!

Don Miller brought the fun with a great session on improv. Don is a mastor at making stuff up on the spot. Or so it seems. Little did we know there are secrets to being improvisational and Don was happy to share. I guess his days at Second City in Chicago came in handy.

Jim Austin served as our Captain of Fun and he did such a great job he’s now the official CreativityAtSea.com Captain of Fun until death. He opened each session with upbeat ice-breaker games that cleverly taught creativity skills. What a concept. But we didn’t have any worries with Jim because he never drops the ball. But he has dropped 30 pounds this year, congrats.

Kris Austin offered spouse activities for us this year to give the ladies more options. Sure it’s a cruise ship and there’s stuff to do all day but we wanted to give just a little more.

Jim Kleefeld did one of our late night sessions which brought rave reviews on the cruiser evaluations. Had we realized Jim was going to do such a great job we would have been much nicer to him on the boat.

I wish I could say that Tim and I brought the boat down with our parts but we didn’t . . . want the other presenters to look bad. It’s not always about us.

And finally, back to those beautiful Texas women. At the beginning of each cruise you are forced to put on extremely attractive life jackets and meet at a designated muster station. Tim and I, actually more me than Tim, quickly noticed the most stunning lady on the ship in our muster station. We debated about whether she was wearing a ring and if so where was her husband. It was apparent she was single which made her even more attractive. Not to Tim of course because he’s married and tells me all the time he’s in his happy place.

Although I’m not a professional stalker I did find myself noticing this beautiful lady at many locations on the ship. Like a 000 spy I kept watch for her all week. I told Tim since she was single at least I had a chance and I was looking for my IN. Tim quickly pointed out that I wasn’t even IN her league.

Since I seldom listen to Tim anyway I told him to bring his camera and follow me. I approached her on the dance floor and said, “Excuse me, my group is having a scavenger hunt and I need a picture with the prettiest girl on the boat. Would you mind?” She quickly grabbed my waist, pulled me close and smiled. With no effort at all I put on my best smile and Tim caught the moment. I would love to say that I then sit down and got to know her. But I can’t because as the camera flashed I ran slap out of courage. I thanked her and walked away. What an idiot move.

But wait, there is a happy ending. I had a show in TX a couple weeks after the cruise and you’ll never guess who was in the audience. Across the room I saw her blond hair and perfect figure. I absolutely couldn’t believe that I was lucky enough to be in the one place in TX where she lived. She turned around and I saw her smile. It wasn’t her! But for a split second you thought it was. Didn’t you? That’s all the happiness I can pull out of this story. Thanks for reading. If you’re interested in meeting beautiful people and having a creative blast with some really great people then visit www.CreativityAtSea.com so you won’t miss our next cruise.

The Monumental Mash Tour Sept. 08

It began as an adventure into American history and I ended up mashing a few monuments. Lewis Meyer invited me to lecture for the Washington DC magic club and I jumped at the chance. I had never been to Washington and now I had a working vacation. If you’re traveling to the flagship home of all taxes it’s nice to go under the flag of tax deductible.

The lecture went well with a great turnout. I even had the opportunity for a school show in Annapolis, MD which was equally successful. Lewis and his beautiful wife Lynn took me on a whirlwind tour of Washington. With Lewis as my photographer and Lynn laughing in the background I began by mashing the Washington monument. Careful attention was paid so the point didn’t prick my finger. Next was the Lincoln Memorial. Lewis tried to get me to mash Lincoln’s head but I have too much respect for him to do that.

The AARP was having a rally in front of the Lincoln Memorial and Sally Field was speaking. Lynn ran over and got us free samples of Boniva calcium pills. It took a lot of backbone for her to break line in front of all those old folks.

I was able to mash the capital building which was very exciting. However, it would have been better if the Congress had been in session. I put the pinch on the Bureau of Printing and Engraving just after we took the tour to see our money being made. I was a little upset because at Hershey, PA and the Jelly Belly factory in CA they give free samples. No samples at the money factory.

I smashed one of the statues in Union station but there were so many I didn’t really make a dent. We visited the Library of Congress but Lewis talked me out of mashing it because he really likes books.

It was incredible to see the Declaration of Independence and know that Nicholas Cage had stood right there while filming National Treasure. But I smashed it anyway.

We went to the Smithsonian and Lewis and Lynn were almost smashed by a dinosaur head. Too bad, that would have made an incredible picture.

I mashed several other monuments and had a great visit. If anyone reads this and feels that my humor is disrespectful I want you to know it’s all meant in fun. I love America, American history, and the amazing freedoms we enjoy. I am humbled to visit one of the places where our freedoms were born. I was touched by the tributes to our fallen heroes at the World War II, Korean, and Vietnam memorials. At the Vietnam memorial we met a homeless veteran who shared a wealth of knowledge about the wall, answered our questions, and made the memorial even more memorable. If my humor seems disrespectful to you just remember that thousands of men and women have shed their blood so we might have the freedom to make a little fun.
Barry Mitchell

New York City Toy Show (February 2008)

New York City Toy Show

A crew of children’s entertainers went to the NYC Toy Fair Trade Show. Our group included Tim Sonefelt, Mark Daniel, Bruce Bray, David Kaye, and myself. Tim and I flew in on Saturday and took the train from NJ to the big city. It was a first for both of us. I’ve ridden on trains and subways all over the world but when the lady told us which train to take she went on to say it would be 15. With shock in my voice I said, Dollars! She said with a touch in her voice of you’re an idiot.

Tim and I hit the big city with money in our pockets and warm gloves. As our eyes were glazing over with ,I noticed an interesting restaurant at just the time we decided we were hungry. The food was incredible, but at those NYC prices it should be. Most interesting part of the evening was the restroom which was unisex. We have guys and girls in TN but they do everything different in NY. It was an odd experience but I had to try it. I waited until a girl went in so I could have the full experience. It wasn’t really that big of a deal but it certainly makes you want to wash your hands when you’re finished.

A trip to NYC is not official until you take a gypsy cab ride. A gypsy cab is an illegal enterprise offered at a lower cost by a man who failed the driver’s test. This was our number one experience in the city. When I reached over in fear and grabbed Tim’s leg I noticed that our number one experience created for him a number two.

Our next cab ride was official, however, we had to misdirect the driver while Bruce, the fifth man, jumped in and laid across our laps. Ironically, David Kaye kept the driver’s attention by asking if people ever try to get 5 people in a cab, which is illegal.

Our experience at a NY deli was everything you expect; great food with angry, bitter, and resentful customer service. At least that’s the way the waiter looked when he saw the tip.

And finally, I don’t know if New Jersey has the worst roads in America or not. But I do know I wouldn’t want to be riding on them with hemorrhoids.

Barry Mitchell

Northeast Lecture Tour (November 2007)

What a great visit to the northeast. My tour began with the MACA Clown convention. I was the so called headliner of the convention. Clowns are funny people but they don’t know how to pick a headliner. While in the area I visited the Civil War museum, Gettysburg, and Hershey. The museum and Gettysburg were interesting history but depressing due to all the death. Thankfully, I had chocolate to get me over the hump.

Next came great lectures in Hagerstown, Kidabra in NJ, and Philly. And then there was Queens, NY. The Queens Clown Alley was a great group, however, it was my first time in NYC and I was driving. I’m told it is possible to go from NJ to Queens without going through the middle of NYC. I wish someone had told my GPS. By the way a GPS doesn’t work in NYC due to the height of the buildings. That means you’re on your own. Tom McDonnell went with me to NY but he didn’t know where we were either. It was just two guys with no directional finder in the big city with really bad drivers. I don’t know why they even paint lanes on the streets. They serve no purpose at all. But it was a great visit. I only received four hand gestures, was pulled over by a cop, and hit one car while parking. The cop pulled me over to search my van before going into one of the tunnels. They must have a radar that detects flash paper. All went well when he heard me speak and assumed I was just another redneck.

Jim Vagias, took me to NYC again for a tour. It was better because he was driving. He didn’t pay any attention to the lanes either. We went to the deli where Harry had lunch with Sally in the movie, Harry met Sally. I faked an exciting experience at one of the tables but I didn’t get the same response. I guess New Yorker’s see that stuff everyday.

I placed my order trying not to sound southern. I ordered a corned beef on a roll with mayo. The guy making the sandwich said, You gave yourself away when you ordered the mayo. Apparently only Southerns know that a good sandwich must have miracle whip. Bad news is I think the mayo was bad because the next day was all spent in one little room. The moral, HOLD the mayo in NYC, go for the mustard, trust me on this.

I was honored to be asked to perform at Bob Little’s Super Sunday in Philly. It was great fun. Bruce Amato asked me to lecture to the Nashville Kidabra on Monday. In my mind I thought, Philly is above Nashville, TN so I would just drive down Monday morning. You should know that I love the subject of history but I FAILED geography. I left Philly at 10 pm Sunday and arrived at my home in TN at 9 am Monday. A couple hours of re-packing and I was off to Nashville where I arrived at 3 pm. A one hour nap on Steve Varro’s recliner and it was time to head for the lecture. So how did I do it? Around 7 am I had a Sobe super powered drink. Now I’ve never done drugs of any kind but I can only imagine this is what cocaine feels like. I called Tim Sonefelt and told him I felt like Superman. He laughed and said, Call me when you hit the kryptonite wall. I’m proud to report that I was moving so fast that I RAN RIGHT THROUGH IT!

Barry Mitchell

Head West Old Man (January 2008)

The following is a list of notes written about my January western lecture tour. Each note contains an element of truth and one of humor. It’s up to you to guess which is which.

I drove past the Happy, Texas exit. I wasn’t, so I didn’t.

Driving through New Mexico to Colorado I saw more deer than I’ve ever seen in my life. Unless you count all those dear John letters in my closet.

In Pueblo, CO I saw Lulu’s Gas and Grub. It was a refreshing pit stop since the North is known for Bob’s Big Boy and the South for LeRoy’s Choke and Puke.

The Colorado Springs lecture location had to be changed at the last moment due to a sewer backup in the meeting room. It would have been the one lecture where my act wouldn’t have been the only thing to stink.

I left the snow of Colorado heading for Albuquerque, NM to turn right for Vegas. I was pulled over by a cop in Albuquerque. Bugs Bunny was correct, I should have made a LEFT in Albuquerque.

On the way to Las Vegas I saw several signs for Historical Markers. However, I never saw any kind of marker. Finally, it got the best of me and I stopped and searched until I found a metal sign printed with, On this spot in 1863 nothing happened.

I lectured for Jeff Hobson’s Lecture Network in Vegas. You may have seen Jeff in some of the magic TV specials or one of the shows in Vegas. He is well known for wearing flashy jackets and playing a character that is a little gay, ok a lot gay. In truth he is happily married with kids. BUT, when he saw my pink jacket with question marks he said, Not even I would wear that.

At the Las Vegas lecture I met the world famous Gary Darwin, king of thumb tips. I told him what an honor it was to meet him and asked if he would give me one of his thumb tips. Apparently he was out because all he gave me was a finger.

In Las Vegas I went to the top of the Stratosphere casino and rode one of the thrill rides which hangs off the top of the building. There’s something about being older and wanting to feel younger that always ends in a sick feeling in your stomach.

Phoenix, AZ I went to one of those gyms that only members can get in. Since I couldn’t get in I waited outside in the cold until someone came up and let me in. I wanted to pay someone for my workout but there was no one to pay. I continued to work out hoping someone would show up. When I finished I asked the trainer if he was in charge. I told him how I got in and that I wanted to pay for my time. He said it was ok and he appreciated my honesty. He said they caution their members not to let people in. He asked if I would like to join. I said I would like to but, looking for a gym with better security.

I hit a stretch of road on I-10 in Texas with a speed limit of 80! My first thought was Yippee! My second thought was, This could mean it will be a long time before I get to pee.

At 3 am driving across Texas I was stopped twice by Hwy patrol within a span of 5 minutes. Both times because the bulb was out over my tags. Had I known a blown bulb would create so much attention I would have knocked out the front porch light years ago.

And finally, as I drove 1800 miles in a little less than 36 hours back from Tucson I reflected on my blessings. I only wish I had another 1800 miles to write them ALL down. Thanks to all for your friendship and support. No joke.

Barry Mitchell’,